


Shit Happens

by Victorydoll



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other, Writers, original piece of work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22534990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victorydoll/pseuds/Victorydoll
Summary: Five unlikely characters step onto a train one night. That train gets stuck on the tracks. Can they put their differences aside and work together to find out who put them in that situation before its too late?
Kudos: 3





	Shit Happens

**Author's Note:**

> This is an original piece of writing from me. It a dark comedy and i was inspired by the show Inside No 9. I wrote this for my play writing course at University and when i read it to the group it was very much so enjoyed. I hope i can inspire that same amount of enjoyment from my readers.
> 
> For a bit of context i wrote this piece when i had a particularly bad week with the trains and this was how i coped. I wanted to play on stereotypes which is why none of the characters have names. My main message to this is that every human is complex and can't be simmered down to basic personality traits based on what they look like so when people do things out of character is can be surprising to others. But anyone can be capable of anything.
> 
> Enjoy the read. This is my baby, so comments would be appreciated as i am thinking of making a prequel so suggestions would be welcomed.

Scene 1

Thursday. Early evening. Five unlikely characters wait at the at a train station. All glance up to look at the timetable that reads ‘The train has been delayed by six minutes.’ All let out a synchronised sigh. A long silence follows, before the train finally arrives. All step onto a carriage of the train. It departs. Everything is normal, before a harsh rock and the train stops moving.

Drunk: Ey, (Hiccups) what’s going on? I got’s places to be, I’m off to meet a man about a drink. (Takes a swing from a 6 pack of beer)

Businessman: Bloody unacceptable! 

Elderly Lady: Would anyone like a mint whilst we’re waiting?(She pulls out a mint from her ear and holds it out in her hand).

Drunk: I’ll take one of those minty things. (stumbles over and takes it out of her hand) gots to keep me breath fresh. (crunches the mint then takes another long drink from the can).

Student: Why is there no fucking signal. I constantly put up with delays and cancellations. I can’t afford to live at the university. I have a 9 am tomorrow as well. Ugh! Why don’t I just live at the train station.

Drunk: You don’t wanna do that love. I’ve lived the homeless life for 10 years. It’s a terrible. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Student: Sorry, I didn’t think.

Drunk: Ah, don’t worry about it love.

Businessman: They are right bloody mind to worry. We are in the middle of nowhere. I should have just ordered a taxi to pick me up from the office. I would be home right now to my perfect wife; who would have dinner ready and I can’t even call her to let her know I’m going to be late. 

Elderly Lady: Now, let’s all calm down there’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation. There’s probably an incident and they’re dealing with it. I am sure things will be fine.

Faint buzzing starts to come through on the telecom. Everyone looks up in anticipation. A deep sinister voice can be heard.

Unknown voice: Hello.

Elderly Lady: See, what did I say!

Unknown voice: Welcome to your last hour on earth. You may be wondering as to why this train isn’t moving. This carriage has disconnected from the rest of the train. You are now stuck like animals in this carriage; in the middle of nowhere with no signal to call your loved ones. Now, if you don’t manage to escape from this carriage the 7:30 train will hit this one at full force good luck. You’ll need it.

Elderly Lady: See I knew there was a reasonable explanation.

All turn to look at her in disbelief.

Scene 2

The elderly lady has taken out a pair of knitting needles and wool and begun knitting humming to herself.

Businessman: Oh god no! 

Elderly Lady: I really must get some Bakewell tarts when I get home.

Student: (Bangs her fists on the seat in front of her) I swear to god, this better be a fucking joke! 

Drunk: IT’S THF FINAL COUNTDOWN DUDDLO DO DUDDLO DO DO DUDDLE DO DUDDLE DO DO DO DO! 

Businessman: Now is not the time to be singing. I am too rich to die on a train. I need to phone the police or the army or the FBI. Shit, shit, shit. Will you stop that singing Help come up with something. 

Student: Oh yeah, because pacing around the carriage is really helping the situation right now. 

Businessman: Unless you have anything smart or helpful to say I refuse to obey a female especially a such a dim-witted one.

Student: The fuck you just say to me. Fuck you pig! I have been tested enough today.

Elderly Lady: (Pulls out another mint from her ear) Would anyone like a mint?

Scene 3

Things in the carriage have simmered down. The elderly lady brings out a cross-stitched blanket from her bag, which she drapes over herself.

Student: I mean it could be a bluff. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was. Maybe it’s a conspiracy.

Businessman: Conspiracy? Why go to all this trouble if it was a bluff? If the perpetrator was really bluffing, they would have let us go by now. Why leave it this long?

Student: Mrs, what do you think about this? 

Elderly Lady: I think my granddaughter would love this blanket. It’s made with love and loads and loads of wool. (she sinks down into it and starts to snore obnoxiously loud)

Student: Well, she’s not going to be any help.

Businessman: I can’t believe I am stuck on a train with such an unhelpful bunch. A drunk who can’t manage a coherent sentence. A dotty old lady. And a student who thinks it funny to joke about out our inevitable death! 

Student: Oh, stop it will you! I’ve seen babies with more chill than you. I never said anything about making a joke out of it. For all we know it could be real, I’m just trying to be logical about it; by assessing all possible situations. 

Businessman: You can’t possibly know what’s going through this psycho’s mind. I am a professional at the top of my game. I pay all my taxes and I am a respectable citizen. I do not deserve to be treated like a plaything by a clearly unstable person.

Student: Oh boohoo! Something bad happened to you. Newsflash buddy shit happens. People do terrible things to people regardless who they are or how much money they own. Now, will you stop crying. Crying isn’t going to solve this. 

Businessman: Fine. What do you suggest we do?

Student: Let’s start with something simple with all that’s been going on. Not one of us has tried to pry open the doors.

Businessman shoots up quickly marching over to the doors pressing the buttons, when it doesn’t work straight away, he become frustrated and starts punching the buttons.

Student: Ya know the powers off right. that’s not gonna work.

Businessman: Of course, I knew that. I’m not an idiot.

Student: Sure genius, I meant let’s try to pry open the doors with something. 

Businessman: Like what? I don’t know about you but I don’t tend to carry a crowbar around with me.

Student: It doesn’t have to be a crowbar. Stuff like a knife or the end of a hammer would do the trick too. 

Businessman: Oh yeah because any normal person let me just check my suit. Nope no dangerous weapon in here.

The drunk stirs and stumbles to stand up

Businessman: Oh, look who has come back to reality. I thought you were gone for good. Though it would be foolish for me to think that a miracle would happen in this place. 

Student: Oh, will you shut up already! Have you got anything to pry this door open?

Drunk: Now that you mention it. I do happen to own some of those thingamabobs. (The drunk pulls out a knife, hammer, and crowbar for their coat)

Businessman: Of course.

Drunk: I can’t be too careful with my life. 

He hands the items over to The Student who uses the crowbar to pry open the doors. But as the metal goes in-between the doors. An electric pulse goes down from the metal and to the student causing them to pass out. 

Scene 4

Elderly lady: What happened?

Before the drunk can start to explain. The elderly lady has closed her eyes again dropping back onto her seat snoring loudly.

Businessman: Well she’s are still breathing. I think we should let her sleep for a while. I heard she was awake.

Drunk: Well she was but…

Businessman: Of course, she is. Someone needs to get the old bat up. She’s not done anything to help us since we got trapped here.

Drunk: Well me’s not gonna do it. My family taught me better than that. I was told it’s never a good idea to wake a woman up when she’s sleeping 

Businessman: Clearly, they didn’t teach you well enough

The drunk glares at the businessman. 

Businessman: Well my family didn’t. so, I’m going to wake her up.

Drunk: It’s your funeral. I'll drink to yer. 

Businessman strides up to the woman with her mouth wide open and shakes her violently.

Businessman: Wake up lady! Now is not the time for a nap!

Elderly lady: Huh? What?

Businessman: I said wake up! We’re stuck on a train in the middle of nowhere and we need all of us alert to figure out a way of getting out.

Elderly lady: Alright. alright, no need to yell dear. I am awake my love.

She closes her eyes again and leans her head back. Businessman visibly annoyed grabs a bottle of water from his suit jacket and sprays water over her face, to which the elderly lady bolts straight up.

Elderly lady: Well there was no need for that dear.

Businessman: I don’t care! I’m stuck on a train with a bunch of airheads. Don’t any of you understand, if we don’t find some way to escape. We might as well be up for the slaughter!

Elderly lady: There, there my love. We will get out. As I said before there’s probably just a problem at a station. Here. (pulls a mint out from behind her ear) Have this, it will help you with your troubles.

Businessman: I don’t see how this is going to solve anything.

Elderly lady: It won’t. but it will keep you breathe fresh.

The elderly lady spots the student passed out on the floor and places the blanket over her. She then gets out a small potted plant from her bag of wonders along with two miniature gardening tools and begins tending to her shrubs. 

Businessman: Madam? Do you have any ideas on how we can escape 

Elderly lady: Oh, so you're being respectful to me now are you. I heard you call me an old bat.

Businessman: It’s funny to me how you’ve managed to hear that and nothing else that we’ve been saying.

Elderly lady: Well I think you should learn to respect your elders. I’ve been through two world wars you know. (points her miniature rake at him).

Businessman: I apologize. I shouldn’t have been so rude to you. I’m just losing it a bit. This one serious situation we have all gotten ourselves into and I just want to escape.

Elderly Lady: We will get through it, my love. Hey dear? 

Drunk: What can I do for ye?

Elderly Lady: Would you do me a favour? I think this place could do with a bit of brightening up. Would you just go and display this for me. I think it would be a lovely surprise for future passengers.

The elderly lady looks up with proudly holding out her small plant pot with a smile on her face. The drunk looks at it and then at her for a while

Drunk: Yeh, alright.

Businessman: Eureka!

Elderly Lady: That’s not my name my dear, but what can I do for you?

Businessman: I wasn’t calling a name. I have an idea!

Elderly lady: Oh? How nice dear, good for you.

Businessman: Hey? Have you still got that hammer?

The drunk pulls out a hammer from their coat pocket holding it outward proudly before dropping it onto his foot. The drunk has no reaction to this just picks up the hammer and passes it over

Businessman: I’m sorry but did that no hurt you?

Drunk: Nope can’t feel a thing… What’s ya noggin got this time?

Businessman: Well we both know there’s no way out the other side. It’s been blocked off. But I just noticed there’s a glass entrance on the other side. If we could smash the glass it may be our way out.

Drunk: That sounds like a great idea. See I knew you were smart under all the snootiness. What can I help with?

Businessman: Just watch my back for now. I’ll let you know

Drunk (Lazily salutes) Yes sir!

The businessman cautiously moves to the other exit looking through the window. He takes a few steps back. The drunk follows behind maybe a tad too closely so when the businessman steps back both fall backwards.

Businessman: Will you watch it! 

Drunk: I did. That’s what you told me to do.

Businessman: I didn’t mean watch my back that closely. Stand back unless you want to get hit in the face by the hammer.

Drunk: Wouldn’t be the first time. 

Businessman: Alright well here goes nothing… Yes. I can’t believe it worked!

Elderly lady: What worked dear?

Businessman: The door I was able to get through by breaking the window.

Elderly Lady: That’s nice dear.

He moves forward and walks straight into it. The businessman stumbles backwards holding his forehead; which now has a massive bump pultruding from it.

Businessman: OWWWW! Are you kidding me!

Drunk: It’s paper.

Businessman: Paper? Did you see what it did to my head! What paper does this?

Drunk: See its paper being made to look like a glass entrance. Oh look theres a brick wall. The paper must have been put over it almost like a poster. It looks really realistic. Looks like we're not escaping this way either.

Businessman This mad man really enjoys my suffering. I really thought that was our way. I could go home.

Drunk: It’s alright. We’ll figure something out don’t worry about it.

Scene 5

Student: How long was I out for?

Drunk: For around half an hour I think love.

Student: What happened?

Businessman: We can’t escape. We’ve tried everything to get out. We’re essentially trapped.

Student: We? You’ve changed your tune. That hit must have been hard. Have I ended up in an alternative reality where it’s not all I, I, I for once?

Businessman: I’m not in the mood to fight with you. I’m just going to accept that this is the end for me. I’m done for. I suppose If it wasn’t this, it would be something else eventually.

Student: You can’t think like that. You gotta keep hopeful. As I said this could all be a bluff. Who’s this blanket?

Elderly lady: That would be me dear. Now, where is he? Alexander? 

Student: Who’s Alexander?

The elderly lady finally finds Alexander. A black cat emerges from the bag and into her arms. 

Elderly lady: There you are! My little zander. I love you, I love you. Here have Alexander, he has always helped me in times of hardship. 

Businessman: Thanks. I think? I will take any form of comfort right now. 

Student: Okay? Has anyone got any ideas then if I’m right? We only have twenty minutes before the train arrives. If this is real, we need to think about how where are going to get out of here. 

The student walks around the carriage. She stops in her tracks noticing a figure sunk down on the seat; with a hoodie covering her face. 

Student: Hey? Did anyone happen to notice the other person here.

Businessman: Oh yeah very funny. Thanks for mocking me, Just when I thought I was getting sympathy from you.

Student: No! I’m serious there someone here. 

Drunk: Their right you know there is someone their.

Businessman: I’m not going to listen to this. Why is everyone got to be against me huh? What did I do to deserve any of this? Loving family and all. I have been treated fairly by the system and in fairness, I have respected them back. I was given one of the top positions at my company. I met my wonderful partner. Settled down had three wonderful children. I had a nice house in a respectable neighbourhood everything was perfect. Then everything changed. My boss demoted me; after I buckled under the pressure of long hours. I stopped sleeping, even eating. My wife and I were arguing constantly over petty things, to begin with. But then the fights got worse. She left me. Took the kids too and the house. I have nothing left. So, mock me go on I probably deserve it I don’t know why I act the way I do. I guess I just don’t want to accept that anything has changed.

Elderly Lady: No one’s mocking you love. There’s someone there.

Businessman: I need a drink. Do we have our culprit? 

Student: How’s drinking going to help ey? I’m sorry to hear about your family. That must have been hard to go through. Where’s your fight gone? We still have time to escape from this. You’re not dead yet. You still have time to work things out with your partner and see your children; even if you two don’t stay together. Listen just take some time out, for now, you’ve done enough. Just don’t drink too much okay?

Elderly Lady: Can I take my Zander back please? He’s clinging for dear life on your leg.

Businessman: Oh yeah, sure. 

Elderly Lady: Right my little Zander. You have served your purpose off back into the bag you. That’s it.

Drunk: This all doesn’t seem right. Not right at all

Student: What do you mean?

Drunk: This whole setup is wrong. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner. Whoever is doing this to us was bargaining on fear so that we won’t notice the subtle mistakes they have made along the way. They would need to be able to see exactly what we are doing. Which would mean, either they have a security camera on them or whoever it is doing this is on this very train.

Businessman: It’s must be our newcomer. Funny how we’ve only just noticed them right this second. It all makes sense.

Student: I don’t think it’s them. They look petrified. Look they are shaking.

Drunk: No. she’s right. I don’t think it is them. They don’t have the capacity to disconnect the train like that. It would have to be someone with in-depth knowledge of how the train works. How it operates. Plus. We would have heard them talking if it was them.

Elderly Lady. Well, I have absolutely no experience when it comes to the trains; I just like to travel.

Teenager: Urm. I..I …think I see a wire under the carpet that leads to the toilet.

The student follows their gaze and notices a bulge under the carpet.

Student: Their right. None of us have actually gone into that section of the train yet.

Drunk: That must be it! Whoever is behind that door is behind all of this.

Student: We need to figure out a way of opening the door. The power is still out. 

Elderly lady: Will this do?

The elderly lady pulls out a screwdriver and holds it heroically. 

Student: Wow. that’s the first time anything useful has come out of that bag. If you had a screwdriver, why didn’t you mention it before?

Elderly lady: Well you never asked dear.

Student: Hey have you still got that crowbar? If I unscrew the handle. I can get the crowbar to do the rest.

Drunk: Yeah. Here you go. I’ll watch your back you don’t know what this person is capable of. 

A guy is hunched up on the floor. Both the student and the drunk carry their weapon for protection.

Student: For someone that has kept us locked up on a train for nearly an hour this isn’t the demeanour I expected.

Drunk: Well. Are you going to explain yourself?

Culprit: Well done you figured out my little game. I’m very impressed. You have no idea what is like to be in this line of work. Day in day out going up to people going ‘tickets   
please’ and driving to and from places. It can send a person mad! Really, I just wanted a bit of fun.

The businessman stands up. This reveal making him outraged.

Businessman: You made me lose all hope. I thought I was never going to see my children again or my partner. How dare you! What gave you the right to mess with people like that! Now if you don’t let us out right now. I will be calling the police and have you arrested.

Elderly Lady: Oh, you found the culprit then. How lovely will he let us out now? EastEnders starts in half an hour.

Culprit: Awe but I was just getting started.

Businessman: I swear to god almighty if you don’t let us of this fucking train, I will give you a black eye.

Everyone gathers their things and leaves the carriage. The Elderly Lady goes past shares a knowing look with the culprit she nods as she passes, she slides the remote from the culprit’s pocket into her bag without them noticing along with their walkie-talkie without the culprit’s knowledge. The culprit closes the doors before clearing everything away. But as they get to the doors and tries to press the button it doesn’t open. In the distance, a faint sound of a train moving can be heard.

The culprit: Come on. Come on. Come on!

The culprit goes to grab their walkie-talkie to find that it’s not there. The sounds get progressively louder.

The culprit: No! No! fuck! 

The culprit pounds on the door but everyone has already left and are nowhere to be seen. A still image shot of the elderly lady laughing can be seen.

(BLACKOUT)  
(END)


End file.
